IS ANGER RUINING PARENTING?

Learning to Pause When You’re Triggered: Parenting with Grace and Growth

If you’re a parent, you’ve likely had those moments. The ones where you feel completely overwhelmed, frustrated, or even ashamed of your reaction. Maybe it’s when your toddler is screaming in public, or your kids are fighting for the tenth time that morning, and something inside you just snaps. I’ve been there.

In a recent All Things Possible episode, Adam and I sat down with author Amber Lia, who co-wrote the book Triggers: Exchanging Parents’ Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses. It was one of those conversations that hit deep. We talked about why parents get triggered, how to move past shame, and how God can use even our hardest parenting moments to shape our hearts.

Amber’s story resonated with me so much. As a mom of four boys, she shared how she once thought she’d be the calm, patient mom who always had it together. But when her first son wouldn’t sleep for three years, exhaustion and frustration started taking over. “This doesn’t feel like life to the full,” she remembered thinking. And in that low place, she turned to Scripture to find God’s truth about anger.

One verse that changed her heart was Proverbs 29:11:

“A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.”

That phrase, "quietly holds it back", became her turning point. Instead of letting her emotions lead, she began taking what she calls a “holy pause.” It’s that moment when you feel your blood pressure rising, but instead of reacting, you stop. You breathe. You pray. You choose to let the Spirit lead instead of your emotions.

Amber shared that triggers aren’t just about our kids, they’re about us. God often uses our children to refine us, to reveal what’s in our hearts. She said something that really stuck with me: “Your anger can either be an opportunity for growth, or an opportunity for the enemy in your home.”

That truth hit hard. Because as parents, we don’t want to open the door to the enemy. We want peace in our homes, and it starts with what’s happening in our hearts.

Amber and I also discussed control, specifically how much of our anger or frustration stems from wanting our kids to behave or perform in a certain way. But parenting isn’t about control; it’s about guidance. It’s about shepherding their hearts, not managing their behavior. And often, the frustration we feel is really about unmet expectations, both of our kids and of ourselves.

When we try to control our kids, it leads to more tension. But when we step back, take that holy pause, and remind ourselves that God is also parenting us, the whole tone shifts. We stop trying to “fix” every situation and instead focus on faithfully leading through them.

Amber also reminded us of another powerful verse, Ephesians 4:26–27:

“Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.”

Our triggers are opportunities to grow in patience, to model repentance, and to teach our children how to handle emotions in a healthy, Christ-centered way. It’s not about perfection. It’s about progress.

One of my favorite takeaways from our conversation was how Amber brings her kids into the process. When she’s working on a specific trigger, like speaking too sharply or losing patience, she tells them. She apologizes, explains what she’s learning, and even memorizes Scripture with them. What a powerful way to model humility and growth!

She shared Proverbs 31:26:

“She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.”

That verse became her reminder to speak life instead of frustration. She’d post it over her sink or on her steering wheel, small visual cues that helped her pause and realign her heart with God’s Word.

Parenting can feel like a refining fire, messy, humbling, and sometimes overwhelming. But Amber’s story reminded me that God is faithful in the middle of it all. He’s not asking us to be perfect parents; He’s asking us to be present, to be humble, and to let Him transform us through the daily struggles.

If you’re feeling triggered or weary in your parenting journey, take heart. You’re not alone. And you’re not stuck. The same God who’s refining your children is refining you, too.

Two Major Takeaways:

1. Your triggers can become tools for transformation.
   God uses our hardest parenting moments to shape our hearts, teaching us patience, humility, and dependence on Him.

2. Pause before you react — it’s a spiritual practice.
   Taking a “holy pause” allows space for God’s peace to enter, helping you respond with grace instead of frustration.

Friend, take a breath. Whisper a prayer. And remember — you are growing, your kids are growing, and with God, all things are possible.